easing into death

"ordinary men have not been so much in love with life as is usually supposed: small as their share of it is they have found it too much to bear without reducing a large portion of it as nearly to non-life as they can; we love drugs, sleep, irresponsibility, amusement, are more than half in love with easeful death." c.s. lewis

easeful death. those two words have been haunting me for weeks. if you didn't get a bit of a shiver when you read the above quote then you didn't read it carefully enough. read it again. i dare you.

when have we reduced life to easeful death?

if i'm honest, i often equate life with happiness. when i am throwing a football on the beach or hiking into a canyon or playing with my kids (when they aren't fighting) or having a great conversation with an intimate friend, then i'm living. i sit back in my chair, take a deep breath and feel a sort of satisfaction that says "this is what life is all about." i feel awake, stimulated, alive. the opposite is true when i am unhappy. if my relationships are a struggle, if my kids are driving me insane, if i'm bored, then i feel like i'm not living, like something is missing. in those moments, i do my best to discern why i'm not happy and then go about making whatever adjustments are needed to fix the problem.

sound familiar? i'm guaranteed the pursuit of happiness, right? but what if happiness doesn't equal life?

i don't like pain. do you? i guess there are some wackos out there that relish a bit of physical or emotional pain but not me. i don't like to hurt or feel bad or be unhappy. to avoid anything that resembles pain, i self-medicate usually in the form of distraction or entertainment. no i'm not one to turn to drugs but many things can intoxicate us apart from a pill or bottle. maybe i sit in front of the tv for hours or play a game or read a book. maybe i put my headphones on and blast music through my ears so i can drown out my thoughts. maybe i surround myself with chatter so that i can forget for a moment that i am hurting. in those moments, when i'm avoiding pain or disappointment or disillusionment, i am not living. i have surrendered myself to easeful death.

the truth is i am most alive when i am in touch with my pain and longings. when i'm not "using" to try and cover up my pain, i know the truth: relationships are sometimes painful; life is often hard; people disappoint; dreams die; sin wounds; i fail. life is a messy combination of pain and joy, love and loss, hope and disappointment. pain grows me, strengthens me, deepens my character, increases my love, extends my compassion and points me to the only one who can fill up my emptiness. to submit to easeful death is to miss this transformation and the only One who can bring it about.

i'm worried about my country, my friends, my family, myself. we are so addicted to entertainment and distraction and busyness that we are lulling ourselves to sleep. this is as true inside the church as outside. we don't know our own hearts because we won't be still enough to listen to them. we pursue God and religion as yet another way to be happy, thus using Him and treating him as the ultimate drug. we waste our time in senseless conversation because we are too afraid to be known. we commit ourselves to individualism (read narcissism) because we don't want the accountability that comes with living in community. we pursue success however we define it because we need to feel that we matter, that we have purpose, that something we put our hands to will last.

in trying to live, we are dying.

the real stuff of life is risky and painful. i don't want to walk through life asleep or anesthetized. i'm tired of avoiding and using. i want to embrace life in all its thorny wonder. i want to turn my face towards Him whether it is with tears flowing down my cheeks or a chuckle in my throat. no more of this easeful death for me.